Monday, July 25, 2016

Prob shouldn't have posted that last one...

It appears I was a little too excited and hit "publish" too soon on my last blog post. Although I tested pregnant I confirmed today that the baby stopped growing around six weeks, so it's technically a missed abortion (or missed miscarriage, according to Google). That's when the fetus dies in the first trimester but the body doesn't recognize the loss or expel the pregnancy tissue, so you still experience signs of pregnancy.

To take a step back, I had my six week appointment and confirmed the pregnancy. Armed with info, I felt more prepared than ever as I already knew what to expect with Anthony. I felt great, a bit tired at times, and like I was getting a pouch, so natural I figured the baby was doing well. Then when I went for my eight week sonogram I saw the baby was smaller than Anthony was at size and there was no heartbeat, I knew right away. It was devastating to see and hear, and I had so many thoughts running through my head:

- Why, after I had a healthy pregnancy with Anthony? When I first found out I was pregnant I was more concerned about the glucose issues with the baby due to my small placenta size when I was pregnant with Anthony
- It took me a while to get pregnant with Anthony - this happened quickly, so it was probably too good to be true.
- It's better it happened now than if I was further along or if the baby was born ill and didn't make it. That would be much worse.
- What did I do to make it happen? Was it a plane ride, or the few runs I went on.
- I have Anthony and he's amazing. Should I stop while I'm ahead?
- I'm essentially a walking casket.
- It's hard to grasp that this poor little thing inside of me just wasn't healthy enough to grow and thrive.
- Before today confirmed the miscarriage it was a mix of fear (what if something is wrong) and hope (what if it's alive and just growing slowly/small)

There's probably more emotions I'm missing but I was definitely all over the place.

I'm working to schedule a D&C for the coming weeks but until then it's like a ticking time bomb, as my body can reject the baby at any time. When/if that happens it's supposed to be horrible cramps and like 10 days of heavy bleeding. Needless to say my cute white capris will remain in my closet until further notice.

While many people don't know about my pregnancy (it was so early I didn't say much) or miscarriage, it's startling to hear how many people have suffered miscarriages. It's emotionally draining and I couldn't imagine going through this more than once, so it's surprising how many people have had several. My hearts go out to anyone who experiences this.

I always recognized and appreciated the miracle of life. I never took one second of my last pregnancy for granted, and still look at Anthony - and how much he's grown - as an amazing gift from God. I know it's for the best, and that this baby is in a better place up in heaven, but it's still hard to come to terms with the fact that I lost a child. While some can say it was a fetus or embryo, I still see it as a baby. I will always hold a special place in my heart for my little one - baby number 2 - who would have been due on 2-22-2017.

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